Serious Tingles
by Disco Ant
Summary: Everyone is wacky and Goemon is happy at his new direction in life. Warning for some suggestive things and a murderous orange star.


Um, the Seahawks lost and there was sort of a bet involved and well... yeah. This is my Loser Circle story. -hangs head in shame-

* * *

"Seriously, what are you wearing?" Lupin wondered as Fujiko walked into the room. He was a little annoyed, as he was doing his best to eat every moon shaped marshmallow from the large box of Lucky Charms before him. He claimed they tasted the best, the others not having the heart to tell him the truth.

"Lupin, we need to talk," she said in a serious voice as she stood before him.

"No, seriously, are those toilet seat covers around your neck? And do you really have a rubber duck on your head?" Lupin was wondering when it was that he had gotten drunk.

"In case you don't know, I am Fujiko, Chastity Warrior!" she boasted as she stood in a heroic pose.

Lupin almost ruined his breakfast when an orange star was almost snorted up his nose. "No, really, what are you doing?" Lupin laughed.

"I already told you," she said in annoyance. "And I'm hear to talk about your loose, non-virgin ways!"

"**_MY_** non-virgin ways?" Lupin scoffed. "You're the one who's the whore!"

"I am not a whore! I am Fujiko the Chaste!" She reached behind her and pulled out a plunger, holding it up into the air like a sword.

"Whatever," Lupin muttered, going back to his moon hunting.

"There are people in this house who are better than you, Lupin. People such as Goemon, the Pure. His flesh, untouched from the filth of others sexual needs, shines brightly while yours glares out in all it's darkness."

"My skin is actually quite caucasian," Lupin mentioned as he dug through the box, discarding the gross pieces of oddly shaped oats. "And just because Goemon is a virgin, that doesn't make him better than me."

Fujiko glared at Lupin before hitting his head with the plunger, the shock of the sudden attack causing Lupin to jump, the box jostled and bits of cereal flying into the air.

"Noooooo!" Lupin cried out in despair. "Yellow moons!"

"I must cleanse your soul," Fujiko shouted over Lupin's cries. She raised the plunger and waved it over her head. "Oh great white angels of virginity, bless this darkened soul with your presence! Do not let him slip into the hole of obscurity! For if he shall sleep with another person it is feared his soul shall be lost forever!"

"Move your feet," Lupin shouted, ignoring her prayer while shoving at her legs. "You're stepping on my moons!" he whined.

Fujiko ignored him and continued to pray loudly.

Jigen opened the door and stopped, staring at what was before him, a strange woman wearing things from the bathroom and a strange man sucking marshmallows off the floor. He sighed, took a step back, and closed the door in front of him.

He really had no idea why he hung around those people.

...

The elevator doors opened and the Japanese woman inside started out, stopping quickly when a man with broad shoulders and an intent stare on his face walked towards her.

"Get back inside," the man ordered her.

"Y-yes," the woman said nervously with a nod.

The man stepped into the elevator and stood in front of the woman. He pressed the button for the ninth floor and watched as the doors closed.

The woman cowered against the wall. She was wondering how she could be so unlucky to be stuck inside of an elevator with none other than Inspector Zenigata.

The lights flashed from three to four. A couple of seconds later Zenigata slammed his palm against the control panel and the elevator jolted to a stop.

"Wh-what are you doing?" the woman asked, trying to sound brave, but unable to around the intimidating figure.

Zenigata turned and faced her. He was a few inches taller and several pounds lighter. He was also more skilled at hand to hand combat than the woman and she knew it. "I thought we could have a nice talk."

The woman rolled her eyes around. She opened her mouth to say something when an immense amount of pressure was felt on her chest, her back pressed hard into the wall of the elevator.

Zenigata stood, his hand shoved into the woman's chest as his eyes glared at her. "I've decided I want to kill your boss, but I was wondering how I'd get to him. And now that I'm here with his girlfriend," he said with a smirk.

"I... I'm not-"

"Save it for someone who cares," Zenigata said, grabbing the woman and slamming her front into the side wall. He leaned up against her back and breathed onto her neck.

The woman tensed as her heart began to beat faster. Her body then tingled as she felt the soft tongue on her neck.

"I didn't know you were that type of girl," Zenigata said. He cupped the woman's chin and turned her head to the side, running his tongue up and down her cheek.

"St-stop," the woman begged. She shuddered as Zenigata blew on her skin, his saliva bringing a chill to her.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" he chuckled. He licked up the woman's face to her forehead, licking back down her nose before he began to kiss and suck on it.

The woman couldn't help it, a moan escaping her lips as her hands clawed at the wall.

Zenigata smiled. He pulled back and unzipped the back of the woman's dress, letting the fabric fall to the floor. "So much skin," he moaned, licking up and down her back, coating her skin in thick layers of spit.

"Oh god," the woman moaned as she tried to keep her spit from rolling down her newly cleaned face. It was no use, however, spit seeping down to the floor.

Zenigata licked the woman's arms and then her armpits. "Smells like lavender," he mumbled as he sucked on the skin.

The woman tried to tell herself to hate it, but she really loved the touch of his tongue on her skin and the smell of his cigarette and alcohol tainted breath.

"Now for the best part," Zenigata said as he unzipped his pants.

The woman's eyes opened wide on hearing the sound. "No," she begged, struggling to free herself. "No!"

Zenigata grabbed her wrists and pushed forward, the woman's deep screams bringing a sinister smile to his face. He leaned close to her head and blew into her ear. "You can tell your boss what I did to you. Don't leave anything out. I want him extra pissed off for when I meet him."

Tears running down the woman's face, she could only nod before letting out another loud whimper.

...

Zenigata left the woman on the floor of the elevator and sobbing. He didn't care what had just happened. Once the doors closed she was no longer his concern.

Three cops were standing around a desk and yakking away. They looked up when Zenigata approached.

"Hey," one of them said with a laugh. "You hear that Lupin sent his little samurai pet here to deliver a message?"

Zenigata nodded. "I just saw him in the elevator," he said with no emotion.

The cops laughed. "Like we would never see through that disguise," one of them said.

Zenigata ignored them, sitting at his desk and waiting for Lupin to show up.

...

Jigen went to the bar and had a few drinks before deciding to return. He thought things might improve, but instead they seemed to get worse.

He entered the room to find a panicked Lupin running around the place with a plastic jar on his head.

Fujiko chased behind him, waving the plunger around while trying to get him to calm down.

Jigen stood by the door and watched this. He glanced to his right when Goemon, in his usual clothes, entered the room. "Hey."

"Hi," Goemon said quietly. "Jigen, I..."

Jigen waited for him to spit out his words, getting annoyed at the pause. "You what?"

Goemon stared off with a pained look. "Zenigata... violated me." His spirits suddenly lifted and a smile came to his face. "And I'm no longer a virgin," he cried out in joy, giving Jigen a big hug.

Fujiko quickly stopped. "You what?" she spat.

Lupin stopped, giving him enough time to point and laugh at Fujiko before returning to the panicked sprint around the room.

"This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me," Goemon said as he wiped away tears of joy.

Jigen stared off as his mind computed everything around him.

"Fujiko," Goemon said as he sprinted towards her. "What color of lipstick do you think Zenigata will like? And should I wear a short skirt or slacks to our first date? Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! I can't believe this is happening."

"I'm not drunk enough for this," Jigen muttered, turning and leaving the room, deciding to return to the bar until he's laying on the bathroom floor in his own vomit.

...

Zenigata glanced at the clock. Lupin wasn't coming. He didn't know why or what he had in store for him. At that point he didn't even care anymore. He had more important things on his mind, like the touch of a certain man's skin on his tongue. "His chest, it's just like Chris Jericho's," he purred as his heart started to beat just a little bit faster.


End file.
